ahoy, mateys.

so... sorry to have been missing in action, ladies. 'tis the season and all. so, on saturday, i was at a pirate-themed 30th birthday party for a dear friend, but -- as it turns out -- the REAL action happened after the party broke up. i hauled some kitties to the gay bar. some girls retired to the hotel suite. and one -- name changed to protect the innocent -- had a little more adventure than she bargained for. here's an account of what went down, penned by an eyewitness to most of it:

"The weekend continued after Washington Plaza, first partying in the sweet suite until all hours, then the Sunday morning recap at Bar Pilar over Bloody Marys (who knew a bloody could be so good?) Winning the prize was [deleted], who, after giving her digits to metrosexual enviro lawyer guy, took some other guy home and he wet the bed. While she was sleeping on the sofa, the only DRY spot in her apartment, her roommate came home at 5AM with a "merry christmas to me" present: a christmas themed dildo that plays "Mrs. Claus is coming tonight".

Oh, it gets better. The next day at like 10:30, instead of sneaking out, he sits next to her on the sofa, where she was trying to pretend she was still asleep, to give him the room to sneak out. He talks to her for 20 minutes and then.... ASKS HER FOR HER NUMBER. Confidence like that is why men make more than women... they aren't afraid to ask for something even when it is laughably impossible."